TOTD - To Be or Not to Be That is the Question

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them."

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Although this quote was made famous by William Shakespeare in his famous and noteworthy work, Hamlet, it is very relevant in today's world. Especially in the world of a new rising attorney.

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I graduated from law school in May, took two Bars in February, and Lord willing this May I will be licensed to practice law in New Jersey, Maryland, and DC. What does one do after passing the Bar, that is the question. The obvious answer would be to get a job as an attorney and litigate cases like Perry Mason or a lawyer from Law & Order (well maybe not exactly), but there's one problem - it's a tough job market and no one is giving away jobs!

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Statistics show that law students graduate with an immense amount of debt and many are ending up in paralegal positions, conducting document review, or even leaving the legal profession altogether until an opening appears because the job market is so tough. In law school it is drilled into us that a lawyer has a duty to give back to the community and help the indigent by providing pro bono services or working for a nonprofit or state agency (generally known as public interest law or poverty law). I was once told its called poverty law because you will be "po" and live in poverty being a poverty lawyer, which is true to an extent. Although many new lawyers want to give back and volunteer many cannot afford to do so because these jobs pay in the range of $35K-$60K (depending on where you are located and for which agency you are employed) and they have student loans well over $100,000 where they now have loan payments equivalent to that of a rent payment for a 2 bedroom apartment. The first letter stating loan repayment definitely is the first sling of the arrow from an outrageous fortune. Many wish a fortune teller would have told them this before they attended law school. Where's Ms. Cleo when you need her?

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So what does one do after passing the Bar? Do they continue to search for employment and wait for that dream job or do they take arms against their sea of trouble and unemployment and make things happen for themselves by opening their own law firm? Many have opted to do the latter. "I'm my own boss" rolls off the tongue so easy and confidently but it's a drastic contrast from the reality that it's HARD work. Not only is it hard but it becomes survival of the fittest because if you don't continue to bring in clients, reality sets in and you don't eat! Bills don't get paid. Being your own boss is a lot different than working for someone else and just collecting a check, employee benefits, and a matched 401K plan if you're lucky. Yea it sounds like job security but nothing is secure anymore, people are being laid off everyday. Sure you collect a check in private practice WHEN your client pays you, but the only benefit you get is the benefit of making your own schedule and saying "I'm my own boss." Everyone slacks off on the job at some point and we all hope we don't get caught by our boss. But what happens when you are the boss? The stakes have been raised to the umpteen degree and you have to be able to take the heat and bring your A-game. If you are successful then your opposition to the cards you have been dealt has ended your troubles. If not, you dust yourself off and try again until you find your niche.

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Employee benefits sound nice but so does "I'm my own boss." So what will I do once I pass the bar? That is still the question....

TOTD - I Am Going To Be A Lawyer

Recently I began listening to devotionals twice a week in the mornings at 7am. I have found them to be helpful because they lift me up before I start my day and with the days winding down to when I take the Bar I can use all the uplifting I can get. I actually had this thought yesterday after the devotional and it got me through the day. I was very focused afterwards, hence why I did not post this until today. Here it goes:

I am going to be a lawyer. I AM going to be a lawyer. I AM GOING TO BE A LAWYER!! I may not be happy right now, but I am blessed. I will be happy again after March 1st and I will be ecstatic once bar results are released. When I become a lawyer I will be cognizant and mindful of my clients, being sure to be people-oriented opposed to task-oriented. My future clients are worth me caring about and they are worthy of my effort. I will not operate my law firm on auto-pilot.

Can't Breathe

I don’t want to argue and I don’t want to fight.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have everything be alright.

When we argue my heart aches and I can’t breathe.

So please no more fighting. I just want you next to me.

I don’t need space and I don’t need time.

I just want you here in my life.

When I think of the future I think of you.

I can’t see myself living without you.

As I write this poem I fight back the tears.

You can call me crazy, but losing you is one of my biggest fears.

I knew from the start that you were different and I would end up falling for you.

I just didn’t expect to fall this hard or this soon.

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster,

And I’m trying not to let my feelings overwhelm and take over.

Because my heart aches and I can’t breathe.

So please no more fighting. Baby come back to me.

Come back….. Baby help me breathe.

Feeling This Feeling

Lately I’ve been thinking about this thing we have
The way you make me smile and the way you make me laugh
I’ve rehearsed our happy moments in my mind a thousand times
I’ve reflected on how I’m crazy without you but when we’re
together all is fine
The world stops for a while and surrenders to you and I
And I know if we look closely there’s surely a ribbon in the
sky
Oh so long for this night I prayed
That a star would guide you my way
Mr. Wonder said it best
This is not a coincidence
And far more than a lucky chance
We’ve both said it’s too good to be true
Could it really be that you were made for me and I for you
Could it be that this is a sweet dream I’m dreaming
If so, please just leave me sleeping
I don’t want to wake and not find you next to me
I rather sleep and have this dream as my reality
Sometimes I can be selfish, temperamental, and a little impatient
Calling me difficult or hard to handle would be an
understatement
But despite it all you stick around and love me at my worst
You’ve showed your dedication and I want to see this
relationship run a full course
Because you deserve to see me at my best
I want to give you my all, my everything, and nothing less
Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with emotions I confuse myself
So I call you and spill the beans till there’s nothing else left
I put it all out on the table, all the emotions I’ve been
feeling
And I look to you for a mental healing
Calm me down, mellow me out
While you continue to show me what real love is all about
It’s scary knowing that I’m falling for you and making
myself vulnerable
It’s scary knowing that I’ve become so susceptible
To being loved and giving love to one man, my African King
The man who adores me and calls me his African Queen
And I love that you always treat me as such
And when you say how much you miss me you always say thissss
much
As you stretch your arms and legs as wide as they will
extend
Stretch them far and straight with no bows or bends
I love the way we speak to each other using nothing but our
eyes
I love the way you stare at me as if you were hypnotized
Or captivated by the sight of me you have just seen
I don’t know about you but I like what I see
I see a strong black educated man who shares the same goals
as I
He supports my dreams and even told me he believed I could
fly
If I put my mind to it
With him I know I can do it
This feeling I’m feeling is different and I don’t know how
to cope
You’re my man, my addiction, my perfect and legal dope
I find myself wondering “what did you do to me?”
I locked my heart but you’ve somehow found the key
To unlock my heart and let love in
This thing with you could be a serious win
This is a first and it’s an awkward feeling
But I’m feeling this feeling
It’s you I fiend
It’s I whom you complete
What we have is genuine
And nothing can defeat
I’ll willing to gamble on this dealing
Because right now I’m really feeling this feeling.

Run Them Fingers

Through my hair, I don’t care

No wigs or loose weaves

My tresses scream touch me please

Long soft strokes from the root to the end

Don’t be afraid I just had them trimmed

Passionate caresses along my hairline

I close my eyes and daydream from this heavenly divine

Sensation and moment at peace

So run them fingers baby, run them please

No wigs or loose weaves just the occasional oil or grease

Hair milk or po–mad

Cause my hairs gone mad

Wild and running. Curl here curl there

Straight out the shower, curls falling everywhere

But you don’t mind

I can tell by the way you take your time

To admire, touch, gently pull back

Just like that

So you can admire my essence and exquisiteness

My strength, splendor, and daintiness

So let them run anyway they want to go

Run them fingers baby, but run them slow

Covergirl

She wears makeup on her face

To hide the scars she can't erase

Holds her head up high

While deep down she cries

Cries because she has to wear makeup everyday

To hide those nasty dark marks that continue to stay

Stay on her beautiful brown skin

And make her only see her beauty from within

They tell her that she's beautiful inside and out

But her view is still darkened by these dark clouds

Dark clouds from way back when

When kids called her ugly way back then

Long time ago but those words still haunt her soul

They'll probably follow her around until she grows old

She's tried everything to make those marks go away

Nothing has worked so her M.A.C stays

Painted on her face, every single day

Want to know who's that girl?

She's the quiet student, the boyish looking girl

She may also be you, but she's me

I'm the covergirl

Leap

On many occasions I have claimed to be ready for love

Ready to feel love and to be loved

By a man who loves me for me

From the top of my head

To the soles of my feet

Through my good days, my bad days, my sexy days and even my bitchy days

By a man who can look past all my faults and flaws

Look past my forever growing list of requests and my constant gall

The audacity of me to say whatever comes to mind

Although I do so with eloquence and poise most of the time

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I recall saying that I’m ready for the days of infinite bliss

Those times where he will seal each day with a warm kiss

When his spirit will cause me to miss him even when he’s only in the other room

The days when we look forward to seeing and feeling how our love will bloom

From two naked seedlings with no roots, stems, leaves, petals or a story to tell

With each new day they will be nurtured and watered and the seedlings will swell

Into a beautiful flower with many petals and leaves each with a tale of its own

Accompanied by the intoxicating scent of real love to show how much we have grown

It causes us to get drunk and high off our love for us

The love where when we kiss, each of us feel through our bodies a quick rush

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I have also said that I am outfitted for the stormy days

The days that don’t make me smile but leave me in a brief daze

Although we don’t wish for them, I’m armed to deal with them

I am prepared if necessary to walk the green mile with him

I have my faith that we will make it through

My hope that each event will bring us closer and make us stronger

The wisdom to know that true love cannot be broken

And the sight to see that what we have is indeed true love

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I believe I possess the knowledge and maturity

And I know I’m ready to experience such an opportunity

To grow intimately with someone else

While getting to know them and learn more about myself

I don’t want to rush, good things time

I promise to be supportive, patient, and kind

But is this enough to prove that I am ready for love

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see

I’m standing on the edge preparing to leap.

Love please don’t let me fall.

I'm going all in.